The other night I had a wobble. Not a full-on emotional breakdown, but the kind where you lay on your bedroom floor, stare at the ceiling, and just feel a bit meh. A bit flat. A bit like the only way you can pull yourself from your funk is to do something out there. Like dye your hair pink.
The reason for that, is that my life feels very small. I’m sure that’s the case for almost everyone in the world at the moment. Unless you’re a key worker on the ‘rona frontline, chances are your life recently got much smaller, to a point where it fits almost entirely into a three-bed house. I wake up, I work out, I shower, I sit down in my virtual office, I cook, I read, I write, I go to bed. Then I do it all over again the next day. The weekends look slightly different, with the addition of baking, watching films and the occassional nap. But other than my government-approved walk and weekly trip to Tesco, everything I do is at home.
I was fully expecting to feel anxious, and I’m actually pretty pleased with how I’ve been managing my mental health lately. I feel okay. Most days, in fact, I actually feel positive.
What I wasn’t expecting, was this feeling of being trapped. I feel very closed in. Perhaps it’s partly because I live almost slap bang in the middle of an island and I can’t get to the sea. Sometimes I think I’m Moana trapped in the body of a 32-year-old marketer.
Now more than ever, I’m reminded of how big the world is. How much there is to see, to do and to fall in love with. And it’s out there, waiting, like the rest of us.
One thing that this has taught me, is that I want to live a big, colourful life, and I want to experience it all.
I want to gaze in awe at the mountains in New Zealand. I want to enjoy the bustling sidewalks of New York. I want to wander through a vinyard in Tuscany. I want to dance in the streets in Paris. I want to hike in the Canadian mountains. I want to take in the sounds and sights of the busy streets of London. I want to tuck into delicious vegan food in Madrid. I want to drink coffee in Costa Rica. I want to watch wild dolphins swimming off the coast of Mallorca. I want to see the Northern Lights illuminate the sky in Norway.
Closer to home, I want to go for a bike ride in the park while listening to birdsong. I want to take my laptop to a local cafe and lose myself in my writing. I want to go for lunch and savour every delicious bite. I want to take my time browsing a local book shop. I want to listen to hear the gentle waves of the sea while I watch a sunset.
Life is an adventure, and as soon as this is over, I’m going to make it a bloody good one.